Tuesday, 25 August 2009

• Delighted

  I think I have to tell you a story.

  Sunday was busy, and much as I tried I couldn't get my heart rate to slow down reasonably before walking in the back door to our local community theatre at 5 pm. Should I just forget this and go to church? I think I parked in an illegal spot! What if they make me dance? I haven't done this in two years, am I nuts? I picked the wrong song, I know I did!

  Underneath the hubub of my self doubt, I was deeply thrilled. I love the theatre, in case you didn't know that about me. Something about the process of putting together a play or (my heart sings) a musical makes me feel as though I have come home. This would be a different experience, to be sure. My first time in a theatre not run with a Churchy/Educationey mindset. But Fiddler on the Roof is a safe show, right?

  Of course right! I filled out the appropriate paper, remembered my number, kept to myself, and paid attention. The end result was a mixed bag - my vocal audition was distinctly mediocre. And they did make us dance, but I suprised myself by doing a decent job of following the choreography. I left relieved, but completely unsure of my chances of a callback - and completely unsure of God's word on the matter.

  See, I've been praying all along the way. My first prayer is one I've prayed since high school shows: Lord, at least let me feel like I did a good job. My second prayer is a more recent addition: Lord, only open this door if it is in your will. The third prayer is one that God laid on my heart in church that very morning: Lord, only open this door if it will help Your Kingdom go forth - if I can show love to others by being in this production.

  I was delighted, suprised, and still very sleepy when I got a call the next morning to come back and read for call backs. I thought this would probably be the kind of theatre where you have to pay your dues before getting an actual part. As I bided my time, did my devotions, and cleaned the kitchen, a sort of fatalism settled on my soul. I'm so excited, but this is supposed to be a sort of ministry, right? I'm not doing this for me.

  Lord, I want this really badly, and not just for the opportunity to show love, although that's something I've committed to... I want this because I just really love to perform.

  That's okay, you're allowed to find joy in the acting. I created you that way.

  So... following your will is allowed to be fun? I had to laugh at my own stupidity. When did I become so morose as to think that God wants us to avoid all happiness?

  So callbacks - another mixed bag. I read very well, but sang rather poorly. I was the oldest, the tallest, the only married one there reading among the young women. But I felt at peace: if nothing else, it was a learning experience right?

  This morning I got a call letting me know that I recieved a part - the role of Tzeitel, the eldest daughter. I whooped like a maniac and jumped around the living room for five minutes. I feel so loved right now. Yes, I will look for opportunities to show God's love - I want to do that. But for now I am so blessed that God delights in my delight. That sometimes His plans include things that I actually love to do.

  We serve such a generous God.

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